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The Pain of Pain

Sometimes Pain has no face. It just attaches itself to a person, place, or thing and we say "that" caused me pain. We can blame circumstances and justify our emotions and actions. But does that take away Pain? We can create a life or a lie around it. Just as the waves reach and cover the sand, so does Pain... reaching and taking over our mind and heart. Leaving us with just a little less of ourselves with the crash of a wave.


The anxiety of Pain itself, not wanting to feel it, see it, taste it, experience it... is terrifying...we hold on and cling with all our might to anything that will offer us a moment of solace. A mustard seed of hope. A memory of what was or hope of what could be. The anxiety of feeling Pain becomes too much and we find it hard to breathe. The anxiety of Pain takes over and steals the smile...floods our eyes with tears...breaks our spirit...leaving us feeling lost and alone.


Our anxiety lies to us and tells us we won't make it. Tomorrow is an eternity away. Healing seems unimaginable. This moment feels endless. You question your worth, your heart, your sanity. "What's wrong with me?", becomes the theme for the day.


The only love that seems to love me is Pain. Ah yes, my faithful companion. He may leave for a short period of time but he never strays too far. Always making sure his presence is known and more importantly felt. He holds my heart...caresses it and cripples it at will. Pain, my devoted lover that ravishes my body and my soul, blinding me to any hope...binding me to his side...so all I see are his lies. The darkness of the night and stillness can be maddening. Floods of thoughts and emotions permeate each second of silence as he leaves me on the bed bleeding and torn. With nothing left, I close my eyes, begging for an end.


Then, there is a warmth that touches my face. I open my eyes to see a Light has broken the darkness. The sun, without promise or fail consumes the room. The Light begins to shine on my wounds, healing each one. Wrapping me in a warm blanket. Smoothing my hair from my face. Kissing my forehead and opening my eye. Pouring its healing energy into me. Washing away any remnants of my torturous lover. Cleansing each cell of my body. Breathing life inside of me. Strengthening the best parts of me.


The Light lifts me off the bed, bringing me to my feet. I feel it piercing through my heart, radiating through my body. I feel my lover wanting to return. My strength threatens his position. But this light is too strong. Driving away the darkness and his shadows. I can hear his sarcastic laugh in the back of my mind, like the eerie laugh of a madman...mocking me...letting me know he is not far...he will see me again.


The Light gets stronger with each mark of his laugh. Growing inside me. Engrossing my body and mind. Igniting my spirit to take over. The Light shines its rays inside me. Quelling any voices and threats. Restoring my hope. Giving me this moment so I can conquer the next. Lighting my desire to heal. I crave this new independence and freedom. I crave this peace.


I am no longer afraid of my old lover. I now know what he fears. The flicker of Light that incises his darkness and weakens his hold. My strength grows in every breath because in every breath I breathe in Light. I am no longer hostage to his fears he so eloquently projected on me. I know he still lurks there in the shadows, waiting to devour me once again. Darkness cannot survive in the Light...my fear is gone because I AM LIGHT.


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